break it down...

Crash and Burn

byvivi — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 22:06:00 +0000

I came to two realizations today. One, I have a fear of abandonment. Two, I am good at being alone.

I have a problem with intimacy and really opening up to people. I don’t think there’s one person that I trust with my entire heart. I don’t really miss people. There’s something about getting too close to a person that scares me. The only person that I wasn’t afraid to open up to was Kevin, because I wasn’t afraid he’d abandon me. Thats why I went ahead and shared everything with him. In the end, I abandoned him…

I don’t like to be alone, but I’m good at it. I can find things to do, I can cope with my problems, I can mend my own heart, I can put together my own spirit. But I think I do wish I could have someone there that I could trust with everything. There are days when I want to crash and burn and just unravel the knot I got myself into. I wish there was someone to be there for me as I sorted my life. I don’t need them to sort my life out for me, but I think it’d be easier to put myself together again with someone there for me.

{intimacy}

byvivi — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 13:09:39 +0000

I officially love this store! I went in for a fitting with a bra specialist yesterday. First they had me fill out a little card with information about my interests in bras, whether I was looking for a better fit, cute designs, etc.

Then, they took me to the back where there are these gorgeous well-lit fitting rooms. The bra specialist took a look at my current bra, and decided that I was a 32C (which is unfathomable to me). She went out and got a few typical everyday t-shirt bras. Popped one on and voila! The bras there were so cute and flirty! Not cheap though…these babies are European and made so well! Much better than Victoria’s Secret or Aerie. But even I can’t stomach spending $200+ on a bra!

Nevertheless, I came out with an adorable lacy peach bra, a white sports bra, and a black convertible bra. They also gave me a small bottle of their “Forever New” detergent. Apparently all store bought ones are just not friendly to delicate fabrics such as the materials used in fine bras.

Anyhow, it was a lovely experience, and I’ll definitely go back for more! Next time, a matching set?

Movies Day and Night, some thoughts on the Sun

byvivi — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 01:10:24 +0000

Mood: Content but slightly stressed
Music: NONE!
Eating: Trident’s Rustic Italian Sausage and Mushroom Penne (*****!)
EPL Quote: “To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life.”

So last night, while drinking up my $35 Sauvignon Blanc with my newly purchased Chardonnay wine glasses, I watched Clash of the Titans and part of It’s Complicated. I actually finished It’s Complicated this morning before my brunch date. I really enjoyed the movie. It was funny, romantic, bittersweet, and wise. The last scene, where Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin are sitting on the chair together. Despite their love, some things just aren’t meant to work. And the only way to get past it is to accept it. Accept it and move on.

Later on today, I went to my solo movie. Typical me I saw Eat, Pray, Love. It is exactly what the Doctor ordered. I was feeling really upset and out of balance with the entire romantic situation. But everything in that movie, I felt too. How Liz was afraid of losing her balance, losing herself by falling in love. The movie touched on so many things that I was feeling. I feel better now. I need to go back and read the book again.

There are a few things about him that just make me marvel at him. His determination to be independent. His big heart. His childishness. His desire to make a difference. His sadness. His desire to change for the better. His growth. There’s something about him, that when I’m around him, I think about the things I want for myself again. The dreams I had about becoming a doctor, the surgeon general, but I met Kevin. I loved Kevin with everything I had. But I gave up for him. I gave up too much. Being with him though, makes me remember the kind of person I wanted to be, the dreams I wanted to achieve. With or without him. All this time, I was convinced that balance was the key to life. But to really live, its ok to lose your balance. Sometimes you need to lose your balance to be able to move on. And that realization is really beautiful.

Il dolce far niente. I need to empty my room… being there just cultivates chaos in my mind.

TGIF

byvivi — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 15:11:48 +0000

Mood: Tired
Listening to: Nelly – Just a Dream

Thought I’d talk about my run last night. I keep running with that bum, who can barely run more than two miles, so I haven’t gotten to push myself recently. I finally did my usual 4.25 miles last night! I was getting tired around 2.5-3 miles, but after that 10 minutes of blehhh I felt runner’s high hit me. That and the Nelly song Just a Dream made me want to keep running.

The song just gets to me. It makes me think of Kevin Kim. Given the chance, I really don’t know if I would go back and do it all again.

‘I was thinkin about her, thinkin about me.
Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, yeah; it was only just a dream.
So I travel back, down that road.
Who she come back? No one knows.
I realize, yeah, it was only just a dream.

I was at the top and I was like I’m at the basement.
Number one spot and now she found her a replacement.
I swear now I can’t take it, knowing somebody’s got my baby.
And now you ain’t around, baby I can’t think.
Shoulda put it down. Shoulda got that ring.
Cuz I can still feel it in the air.
See her pretty face run my fingers through her hair.

My lover, my life. My shorty, my wife.
She left me, I’m tied.
Cuz I knew that it just ain’t right.

I was thinkin about her, thinkin about me.
Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, yeah; it was only just a dream.
So I travel back, down that road.
Who she come back? No one knows.
I realize, yeah, it was only just a dream.

When I be ridin man I swear I see her face at every turn.
Tryin to get my usher over, I can let it burn.
And I just hope she notice she the only one I yearn for.
Oh I miss her when will I learn?

Didn’t give her all my love, I guess now I got my payback.
Now I’m in the club thinkin all about my baby.
Hey, she was so easy to love. But wait, I guess that love wasn’t enough.

I’m goin through it every time that I’m alone.
And now i’m missin, wishin she’d pick up the phone.
But she made a decision that she wanted to move one.
Cuz I was wrong.

And I was thinkin about her, thinkin about me.
Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, yeah; it was only just a dream.
So I travel back, down that road.
Who she come back? No one knows.
I realize, yeah, it was only just a dream.

If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
And now they’re gone and you wish you could give them everything.
I said, if you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
And now they’re gone and you wish you could give them everything.

I was thinkin about her, thinkin about me.
Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, yeah; it was only just a dream.
So I travel back, down that road.
Who she come back? No one knows.
I realize, yeah, it was only just a dream.

And I was thinkin about her, thinkin about me.
Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?
Open my eyes, yeah; it was only just a dream.
So I travel back, down that road.
Who she come back? No one knows.
I realize, yeah, it was only just a dream.’

Skincare and Diet

byvivi — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 13:19:33 +0000

Mood: Optimistic
Song: Angela Ammons – Always Getting Over You

So I’ve made some changes to my skincare regime and diet:

Skincare – Added Clarisonic brush and Purity Cleanser, using Rosewater and DHC Acerola products. I’ve gotta say my skin hasnt looked this calm or bump-free in a while. I’m looking forward to the next month or two, hopefully my red spots will go away and I’ll have clear cheeks like I did before. I also cut down on makeup–I use the Cle de Peau concealer, mineral blush, and Peter Roth Thomas Mineral sunscreen powder. No more BB creams, foundations, etc.

Heres the regime I’m following:

Morning
Purity Made Simple with Clarisonic brush
Rosewater
DHC Acerola 100
DHC Acerala Gel
- Cle de Peau Concealer
- Set with PRT Sunscreen powder
- EDM Blush

Night
Purity Made Simple with Clarisonic brush
DDF Glycolic/Rosewater
DHC Acerola 100
DHC Acerola Gel
(SkinLightener )

Diet – 90% vegetarian! I feel lighter, my skin is better, and I’ve lost weight (as long as I don’t eat crap like chips and stuff). I find myself craving vegetables and fruits, though I love the occasional burger or wing dip. I think my skin cleared up from the diet because of all the hormones used in meat. I think I have a very sensitive hormone balance, which is why BC worked so well for me. The hormones in meats throw that off, I think, and cause me to break out.

I think snuggling with Sun has also made me happier. The skin hunger thing I guess, it reduces cortisol or something like that. Getting enough sleep too! Although whenever I sleep over, we never get the 7 hours. That bum @_@

Things that are in (imho)

byvivi — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 16:07:34 +0000

Tofu & buffalo sauce
Beans! (Black beans, chickpeas, canelli)
Avocado
Bikram Yoga
Running
Veganism
Wine
Sweet potato

Out

Taekwondo
Weight lifting
Eggs
Beef
Carrots

My legs

byvivi — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 14:36:50 +0000

So for a while, I hated my legs to bits. They’re bulky, they’re thick, they’re not very feminine. But, over time, I am accepting them more and more. Although I do wish my legs were smaller and more model like, I can’t deny that I am proud of what they have done for me. They have carried me through many taekwondo matches, kicked many pads and paddles and turtles, many miles and etc. They are big yes, but they are big because I work hard. They are powerful, fast and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing at all. They are a part of me, and I love them. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have them, or if they weren’t as strong as I needed them to be. Sure they give me some grief, but hey, all relationships come with some tough love

I figure I should re-set some goals. I want to get down to 120-123 lbs, since I think thats a good weight for my size. Hopefully my pants size will be mostly 2s and 4s. I’ll be eating mostly veggies, beans, complex carbs and fish(sushi like salmon and tuna), and the occasional burger <3 And drink less beer! Wine instead…and pineapple More fresh fruit and vegetables, and work the black beans/chickpeas!

Here’s what I’ve eaten so far…ugh I definitely need more sleep!

- Almost an entire Siggi’s blueberry yogurt
- 1 Chocolate Silk
- Half an apple
Gonna grab some salmon and toss it into the oven with asparagus when I go home. Then mebbe melon or peach for desert. As for dinner… man its so hard to not eat tons of good stuff for dinner Probably shrimp and black beans!

My goal tonight is to not go to sleep too late… Gonna take the 10:15-11:00 Ride class then, get my hair cut tomorrow around 12:00 and meet up with Joe for either late lunch or dinner at Atlantic Fish Market. I should return some stuff tomorrow too… gotta get that cash back!

Chapters

byvivi — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 17:52:12 +0000

So life occurs in chapters. I keep looking at the card that the team gave me last year, and even though many of my memories have Kevin in them, they are also full of sincere feelings for my teammates. My womens team, a few of the guys, those were my babies. I miss them a lot, and I wish I could go back to those days. They were so much fun. Life was easy… go to taekwondo, make jokes and flirt, shower, eat, sleep. But that chapter of my life is over. And as much as I cherished it, I know that I will move on from them. What can I take from it? Good memories where I knew I could be a leader. Good memories where I knew people loved me for me. In all of my flaws and strengths, they loved me. And I loved them. I still do

This next chapter of my life, I am meeting other guys, liking some, realizing they aren’t meant to be, disliking some, walking out on them. I don’t know why I take my emotions so seriously. I should take other things more seriously. Like money management. Sigh.

Going 60% Vegan

byvivi — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 17:08:56 +0000

So I’ve decided to eat mostly beans and tofu instead of meat during the weekdays, and allow myself some meat on the weekends. Vegan is probably healthier, and supposedly vegans smell better.

I forget how easy it is to drop weight when I work out consistently and eat well. By eating well, I mean lots of fresh fruit and veggies, whole grains, and beans. Beans and avocados are magical, they really do make you feel full without being heavy. I love my Black Bean & Chickpea salad! Here’s what I use:

1 can of black beans
1 can of chickpeas
1 can of corn
2 roma tomatoes, diced
1 avocado, diced
Chopped cilantro
Olive oil
1 lime
Cumin
1 tbsp sugar
Some sea salt

Mix those all together, and you get a yummy salad. The olive oil makes it taste smoother, while the lime gives it a very subtle tang, and the sugar reduces the sour sting. The avocado’s buttery texture and fat content mimics a very tender meat, while the beans and corn provide a healthier starch-like base. Roma tomatoes I find are more firm and crispy than regular vine tomatoes, which gives it a chewier texture. I love the smell of cumin and cilantro together. The recipe above is about 4 servings. Another idea is to spoon the mix onto a whole wheat/grain pita and melt some cheese over it, yum!!!

Another discovery is pan-fried tofu. This stuff can be added to anything! I used buffalo sauce yesterday, which is awesome. Its a nice option to buffalo chicken, but just as tasty.

I’m really loving the competition workouts. They are becoming reminiscent of CW Ithaca workouts. Pain builds bonds, so I’m also feeling closer to the tBos group. I respect everyone so much, and its such a joy to workout with them. I always hated being the last one kicking, but when I watch Mike finish his last set, he is so inspiring. I think he likes being the last one, he always finishes strong. Dan is also very special. Maybe its because I’ve graduated, but his trainings have caused me to become more open-minded and confident. I really like his modern, forward-thinking methods. I think since I came from Cornell, I have strong basics and work ethic which makes phasing into Boston awesome.

For a while I didn’t want to get back into taekwondo because of the ties to Kevin, but I think when I train at tBos, I make it my own. Taekwondo anchors me. When I do taekwondo, I feel powerful, confident, but humble and respectful. When I spar, I can feel my aggressive side, my will to win, my lack of fear. When I feel tired, I remember that the only person preventing me from finishing the damn set is myself. I feel so good when I do taekwondo. I feel good about my body, and what it is capable of. I feel good about my mental resolve, and what it is capable of. I feel strong and secure.

I just wish it wasn’t so damn late T_T

byvivi — Tue, 18 May 2010 16:49:00 +0000

I need to perfect the art of brewing my own coffee. I made some last night so that I could have iced coffee this morning, but its pretty watery. But I did find that chocolate soymilk is a good substitute for creamer.

Made my own apple and cinnamon oatmeal today! It was pretty good if I may say so myself. Honey and brown sugar are musts! I think I may switch over to blueberries later this week once I run out of apple.

Note to self, Trader Joe’s sweet potatoes are not sweet at all! The ones I got from Stop n Shop were much better, and bigger! I bought like 6 of them–those would be enough for an entire week! Good grief…

Next week, I’m going to add broccoli, asparagus and risotto to my foods, hehe I loved the risotto they made at Alicia’s dinner party, so creamy and cheesy! This recipe seems do-able…
http://simplyrecipes.com/recipes/asparagus_risotto/

And I could add broccoli? Would that taste weird…? Black beans and chickpeas would be good too! Mebbe some chicken? Nyom nyom <3 This is Rachel Ray’s version:
http://www.rachaelraymag.com/Recipes/rachael-ray-magazine-recipes/rachael-ray-30-minute-meals/Drunken-Risotto-with-Sausage-and-Spinach

Anyhow I have come to believe that there are three things in life that matter: Food, Exercise, and People. Anything else is superfluous and a complication of life. Too many of those complications make life stressful

This recipe also sounds amazing: Pepperoni Pizza Puffs http://www.rachaelraymag.com/Recipes/rachael-ray-magazine-recipes/dinner-for-10-dollars-or-less-recipes/Pepperoni-Pizza-Puffs

For a cute breakfast, french toast souffle???
http://carrotsncake.com/2008/08/champagne-brunch.html

And apparently garlic makes everything taste awesome. That and lemon juice/wine/beer. Kitchen staple I suppose…